As a budding film-maker and fan, I've taken it upon myself to watch all of Stanley Kubrick's films. As of tonight I've finished the big ones: A Clockwork Orange, 2001, Full Metal Jacket, Eyes Wide Shut, The Shining and Barry Lyndon.

To my knowledge most people have neither seen nor heard of Barry Lyndon and for good measure. The fact that Barry Lyndon is a sweeping period piece set in 18th century Europe is not a fault. The fact that Barry Lyndon is loosely based off of some book that I'll never read isn't a problem either. It's not even that big a deal that Barry Lyndon is 3 hours long and has the most stilted dialogue imaginable.

The marathon length is offset by the visual eye candy. The whole movie looks like a baroque painting. Kubrick and his director of photography John Alcott hawked some lenses from NASA so they could shoot by candlelight. Much like Temple Of Doom, Barry Lyndon is cinematographic porn.

The problem with Barry Lyndon is that I hate everyone in the film. Down to Barry's stupid little son named Brian. SPOILER ALERT When little Brian falls off his birthday horse and dies two days later I could hardly contain my glee. Barry's mom, his wife, his stepson, his friends, his army buddies, his incestuous cousin, his 'kiss me lad' army uncle, the slutty Prussian lass he shacks up with, his accountant and the uber-faggot priest that lives in the Lyndon estate are all worthy of being stripped naked and shot with paintballs. I was hoping that The Chevalier de Balibari would be cool, cause he was all like straight high-rollin, pop bottles with fly honies all night long.

But no. Balibari was a Libertine. A Libertine being the Victorian England equivalent of an emo kid. Pale make-up, fake moles, powdered wigs, lipstick, gaudy jewelry and absolutely nothing but a drain on society.

It's one thing to have a movie based on an Anti-hero, like in Citizen Kane. But at least you had some emotions, positive or negative for Charles Kane. Barry Lyndon and his ilk are, like their oil on canvas counterparts, incapable of depth.